


Four Times Nakai Kissed His Bandmates

by tsuristyle



Category: SMAP
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 03:38:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9104995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuristyle/pseuds/tsuristyle
Summary: 1995, 2002, 2009, 2014: four kisses in four different years.(Written August 2014.)





	

_1995_  
  
"Kimura." Nakai shoves his bandmate back slightly. He's all but pressed up against the edge of the table, but not, he tells himself, because he's giving in. "You ran out yesterday."  
  
Kimura drops his gaze, but doesn't let go. "They called us talentless." His mouth pulls into a scowl. "Just because we're Johnny's."  
  
"So you ran home to sulk instead of helping us prove them wrong." Nakai crosses his arms, trying to ignore the way Kimura's hands trail down to his hips. He's going to be responsible this time. It would help if he wasn't so damn hard. "Thanks a lot."  
  
Kimura presses closer, eyes flicking up to Nakai's mouth, the picture of everything that makes Nakai forget to breathe. "I'll make it up to you," he murmurs, leaning in.  
  
Selfish, arrogant, impossible bastard. One of these days Nakai will say something that will make Kimura snap, and that will be the end of it. Maybe he'll leave, or maybe he'll grow up. But it will be the end of this.  
  
Nakai twists his fingers into Kimura's collar and kisses him back. Not yet. SMAP needs him, and Nakai needs him even more.  
  
  
 _2002_  
  
They've probably had a little too much to drink, dancing around the break room to the Drink!SMAP album and making up skits they'll have forgotten by the concert the next day. That's fine, drinking with Tsuyoshi is fine even if Shingo isn't there, for once he can let the leader role slip and just be Nakai. But now it's a slow song, the one about happiness that doesn't sound happy at all, and now their fingers are tangled together in a gentle sway, and now Nakai remembers why he avoided this for so long.  
  
He's worked hard to get them here. He's filled pages and pages and made plans that only he ever saw, plans that would make them stronger, that would make them not just a face and a voice but a group of five distinct people with futures unrolling ahead of them. He's had to be the leader, the planner, the spokesperson, so that SMAP might grow strong enough to move on its own. He can't afford to be just Nakai.  
  
But now Tsuyoshi is smiling at him to the lyrics of a song he doesn't quite understand, and all he can think is that he wants so, so much just to have something of his own for once.  
  
He leans in, quick, before the song can end, and Tsuyoshi doesn't let go of his hands.  
  
  
 _2009_  
  
Nakai has no illusions about this. He doesn't look at Goro and feel his heart skip a beat or fill with happiness or anything sentimental like that. He's lonely, and Goro is lonely, and that is why they are here.  
  
"Do you want to top this time?" Goro asks the question every time, and it always sounds like he's asking if Nakai wants a cup of tea. Nakai shakes his head, and Goro climbs into bed, carefully folding the duvet back.  
  
Everything about Goro is careful now, really. Gone are the days of temper tantrums and rash decisions, filled in instead by a quieter, gentler sort of complacency. Not that he isn't still a spoiled brat sometimes, but all of that hysteria and anger and emotion bubbling under his skin has been pushed back, carefully kept in check by the lessons learned over the years.  
  
Nakai sort of misses it. Even here, with Goro gently leaning in to touch him, it seems like his bandmate is holding back, like he doesn't remember how to let go or maybe he's afraid to.  
  
It's possible, he thinks, that Goro hasn't really been asking him a question.  
  
He shoves Goro onto his back, rolling on top of him and pinning him down. "Do you want me to?" Goro lets out a sudden laugh of surprise, staring up at him-- and then there's a flash of something familiar in the dark of his eyes and the part of his lips.  
  
" _Yes_ ," he breathes, and Nakai kisses him like they aren't two lonely people after all.  
  
  
 _2014_  
  
"Nakai-kun." Shingo is holding him by the arms, staring down at him desperately, pleadingly. "You've known me since I was eleven. You almost know me better than _Tsuyopon_. So please, _please_ , can't you just _look_ at me?"  
  
Shingo is so young, Nakai thinks, five years younger and yet it feels like a thousand. He feels responsible, in a way, as if his sixteen-year-old self should have had enough foresight to plan their lives emotionally as well as professionally. "I can see perfectly well," he says, trying not to be too harsh, trying not to be too kind. It's for both of their sakes. "We're too different."  
  
"We're the _same_ ," Shingo insists. "That's-- that's why I'm in love with you."  
  
Nakai looks down, even as his heart seems to miss a beat. Surely he's too old for this, for desire and longing and passion. Surely Shingo is too young ( _only five years_ ), too inexperienced ( _as if that mattered before_ ), too much like a little brother ( _which is why you were horrified when you realized you were attracted, and refused to let yourself look too deep again_ )--  
  
"Who do you see," he says, watching his hand reach up and curl into Shingo's shirt, just lightly, it doesn't mean anything yet, "when you look at me?"  
  
Shingo catches his gaze, holding it with what must be years of courage. "Someone who doesn't need to be the leader anymore. Someone-- I see so much of myself in-- though I've never been able to catch up with him." He swallows, managing a tiny, painful smile. "Someone I want to stand _next_ to for once, if he'll let me."  
  
Nakai's fingers tighten and then he's not sure who moves first, both of them meeting halfway on impulse or maybe it's instinct. It ought to feel like giving in, he thinks, but somehow it feels like waking up instead.  
  
"Do you really think it could work?" Nakai whispers, in the uncertain moment when they pull apart, still inches away but closer than they've been in years.  
  
"No," Shingo says, and hugs him like he's made of all the happiness Nakai had forgotten how to feel. "I _know_ it will."


End file.
